Plan B Dating – 6 Reasons Why You’re Not Successful In Romantic Partnership
Can we have a candid conversation?
Throughout the year, I’ve had some incredible dialogue with men and women who are interested in attracting romantic partnership. Everything from random chats in the airport to in-depth coaching, I recorded notes that led me to very interesting outcomes from clients, associates and strangers alike.
Let’s break down the top 6 reasons why partnership might not be knocking at your door.
You’re still fooling around with your ex. Old baggage becomes unwanted residual debris when we do not check the expiration date of spoiled milk. Who actually said that you cannot be friends with your ex? The thousands of now married/partnered friends of yours who made a conscious decision to move on. Let’s face it, not everyone has the ability to emotionally, spiritually, mentally and in some cases, physically withdraw from their past. Are you this person? Then, by all means, it’s time to sever ties, in a respectful and loving matter. Seasons are temporary for a reason. Believe me, I totally understand the need to have that special feeling that you once did when you were in a relationship, but the energy that you’re putting out says that you are not ready to fully give yourself to another. There is no way that a new door can open unless you close the door on the past—empathy, compassion, clarity and a firm push will move you forward.
You’re dating your Plan B, with Plan A expectations. Are you that girl or guy who has Gucci taste on a target budget? Do not allow this philosophy to spill over into your dating life. You have a standard of values that are very important to you. The reason that the connection is not long lasting could be that you are dating the same kind of person over and over again. The only reason that you have a Plan B, in this case, is because you do not fully believe that you can have your Plan A. Could this be you?
Save room for two—not your entire crew. Sometimes, it’s okay to venture out to some of your favorite places (museums, sports lounges, coffee shops, cocktails, etc.) by YOURSELF. Seriously, how do you really expect to meet someone new if you’re consistently with the guys and your girls all of the time, in an expansive crew that even the most confident of people would be fearful to penetrate? Take one girlfriend out, or do yourself the challenging and courageous step of going at it alone. In the long run, a partnership is between two people, not you, your beau and your friends.
You’re looking for someone to give you love, validation and worth. Is this an overused explanation? Let me guess, you’ve heard this over and over again. Well, it’s because there is massive truth in this incredible gem. Partnership makes our lives happier. It should not make you happy. We want an individual to bring an added bonus to our lives—not be the entire bonus. Grab that journal, record a voice memo and talk it out with a trained expert. What are those areas that make you not feel worthy or deserving of love? Get to the root cause and continue to work it out. The key is not to be perfect here, but to work on your self so that healthy boundaries, vulnerability and love can be firstly available internally and shared externally.
You need to adjust your list—and move out of shallow water. Does your list need some weighted adjustments? Most times when we pen our thoughts to paper, in regards to our future partner, we come from a place of shallow feelings, desires and wants. Let’s revisit that list and see if our wish list has some weight to it. If you have ever been in a relationship where an individual has jumped ship the moment of crisis, you can understand the importance of making sure that you’re looking to attract someone who has a strong foundation. After all, it’s the foundation of love that stands the test of time. I am totally not saying that you cannot have it all, but give your list some retirement planning endurance.
You need to heal from a parental relationship. Our parents are our first examples of relationships, compromise and frankly, how we perceive and understand love. Unbeknownst to us, we live out our lives through patterns, pathologies and explanations that were taught to us. And, because these relationships give us a foundation, we have to also understand that some of this groundwork is not all positive. Is there healing from an occurrence, absence or secret that is unbearable inside? The moments that you think about once or twice a year, but never really talk about? Without assuming/assigning guilt or blame, understand that internal lifelong wounds are no case for band-aids. Again, you must attack the source.